holy days of obligation

washing feet - jarrod justice

~+~+~

i have been back to work since friday, last.  worked a bit on saturday.  wake up, clean up whatever left-overs from the day before need to be put into their places, and get ready to give moll her first dose of cefepime at 7am, which requires cleaning the area i will be using with anti-bacterial wipes, obtaining her med out of the fridge and the attendant saline and heparin flushes, alcohol wipes, paper towels, hand sanitizer, prayer.

then i go in and awake the princess.  she has been an amazingly good sport.  

digression:  yesterday she started with a low-grade temp after having had a slight cough x two days.  normally, i would ignore those symptoms and let the virus *run its course*; however, she was with her pediatrician at 4:45pm [after having spoken to the infectious disease people at duPont] and was given an inhaler and strict instructions as to what to do if things haven't cleared by friday.  /digression

i have been making my AA meetings, which have been a tremendous help.  i have been enjoying a book my friend Iz gave me called "Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics" (please sibs - don't get upset at the title...good stuff inside!) and have been tapping into God like i never have before.  

what has been remarkable to me is that when i go through a something i consider to be of crisis proportions, i oftentimes lapse into the "why me"s.  (i did ask when i was in the hospital why it took so long to manifest itself after the surgery, but that is a different question altogether.)  my life is now filled to overflowing with commitments to others - i am truly happiest when i am helping someone else out.  if you suffer from a scinitilla of the amount of selfishness as i do, i can assure you the quickest way out of your self is by helping someone else...this time is no different.  

i have my family commitments, my work and my AA commitments.  i consider everything i do now as being done as a somewhat of a helper to God.  [i know, right?]  they are responsibilities i am all too happy to shoulder.  i am hoping i can stay in this frame of mind because i have been more content than i can recall for the longest time...i do get frustrated, don't get me wrong.  i have a magnet on my fridge that reminds us that our "work is worship."

my life, at this moment, is filled with nothing less than holy days of obligation.

Moreover they are to abstain from those works and affairs 

which hinder the worship to be rendered to God, 

the joy proper to the Lord’s day...

home.

we arrived home late wednesday night.  my dog hope was overjoyed to see me; the cats, not so much.

yesterday - molly's 16th birthday - was spent cleaning.  i cannot believe how dirt is utterly apparent now....germs, which are a sweeter way of saying BACTERIA....are on my last nerve already.  got out the mega container of antibacterial wipes and had my way with those germs.

the home health care supply guy was here early, went over the supplies and paperwork (we look like a hospital supply room) and the nurse was here for quite a while, teaching and going over cleaning and keep the port clean.  she will be over once a week to draw labs and change molly's dressing.  we liked her immediately.

[we are so going to get through this.]

we prepared for the onslaught of teenagers...went and got Molly a dress and me a watch w/a second hand (which was needed for medical purposes), made a huge hotel pan of ziti and another of caesar salad...ordered 8 pizzas, had mega sodas and water, big birthday cake with her sweet picture on it from when she was about 4, wearing a ballerina outfit she used to don every day (pictured here).  we thought maybe 25 or so kids would show...there were about 50 here when we sang happy birthday :)  it was so special, she really looked beautiful and happy.

[really hard to believe just last thursday we were entering into crisis mode.]

it's good to be home.

for good measure

i found this on molly's facebook (with another friend who i cropped out for privacy reasons...)  i think she is gorgeous.

gratuitous Molly shot for those who are not aware of her beauty.  i am still learning that so, so very much of her beauty lies beneath the surface...

breathing lessons

i thought i knew how to breathe before last thursday.  there have been times i have felt unable to catch my breath and other times, i exhale long and slow, reminiscent of the days i would take a long drag off of a marlboro light at the spark of a match...inhale for good measure, exhale the blue-gray smoke and do it with great purpose, dammit.

i have belonged here for every minute i have been here, by molly's side.  helping her to the ladies' room, making jokes, dabbing her tears, wiping my own away with my sleeve as i look out the window.  there are times i have needed to remind myself to breathe...do that next thing in front of me.

i have experienced moments of absolute panic rising inside of me:  rising like the blue raspberry slushy i poured for my daughter in the recovery room last night - a carbonated sugar water mixture pouring from a spout which you have to stop before the cups fill half way up because it continues to rise to overflowing. if you don't stop it in time, it spills over the edges and a mess needs to be cleaned up, sticky and uncomfortable. 

[like my panic attacks.]

today was a day filled with even breathing - 16 breaths a minute.  nothing jolting or jarring, nothing extraordinary to make my blood pressure rise like mount etna.  nothing alarming, just sailing through.  i had very little sleep last night and awoke at 6am, but forced myself to lay back down for a couple of hours, like a good "second wind" of sleep.  i needed it.

i have held my breath, taken deeper breaths and told my daughter to do the same when her respirations dropped very low due to her narcotic pain medication...she has been on oxygen and i have felt as though i have needed it...last night, i was unable to catch my breath because my body was racked in sobs and two hours later, breathed a huge sigh of relief when the nurse in recovery put a blanket from the warmer around my weary shoulders. 

i have also learned that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, my God whispers instructions to me on how to inhale when i feel i am simply unable to. 

[it has been a week of breathing lessons.]

love's divine

Then the rainstorm came, over me
and I felt my spirit break...

what started out as a potentially tearful day for both of us, changed on a dime come 2pm. my in-law's, molly's favorite people in the world, came for a visit. they were followed by the AAentourage, who came bearing gifts of food and laptops and books and snacks and affirmations and love and a meeting for mama.

we set molly up and the five of us went to the lounge they have here for families and sat on the four comfy couches and my friends hugged me and shared with me and made me feel loved and listened to and mostly, heard. a really cool group of travelers, not one complaint, they are amazing, amazing friends and my ports in the storm.

i was sought out by my "roommate" who said molly had two visitors (?) we parted, sadly, and i came back to the room to find one of ben's high school friends, bearing gifts of homemade chocolate cupcakes with hot pink buttercream frosting. (oh, you have no idea.) a little back story: last week, i was in touch with this young woman to see if she could help me with molly's birthday cake, but the logistics and timing was off because she lives in wilmingon, delaware (funny entity, our God). she found out through facebook that molly was here and asked if cupcakes would help. i had NO expectations of her making cupcakes and delivering them.

blown.
away.

i wish i could have taken a picture of them, but will simply link you to Lindsey's blog and you can see why we were so thrilled :)

Love is what I need to help me know my name.

to top off our already very full day, i found a DVD player on the floor which the nurses proclaimed as "miraculous" and we watched Twilight and Clueless and Sweet Home Alabama and ate tuna and crackers, sourpatch watermelon candy and popcorn and cupcakes and felt enormously filled to overflowing, and it had nothing to do with the food.

molly asked me, very genuinely, "why are people so nice?" [love.]

after an incredible exchange of text messages between me and a friend, around 0 dark 30 i checked my email and yet another friend of mine (who has an amazing voice sang at a local bookstore recently) had sent me a video clip of himself singing Seal's "Love's Divine." his email simply stated "dedicated to Molly."

'Cause love is what I need to help my know my name...

unclouded thoughts

while molly is sleeping peacefully, i sit and gaze out the window at what i think is an elm tree and a nearby clock tower rising up as the centerpiece of the duPont hospital grounds.

the skies are blue with fat clouds of puffy white with tinged grey undersides, floating by with seemingly no purpose. as grey as our days have been of late, it is quite refreshing to not see a completely overcast sky with no hint of the sun or even a speck of blue.

i also see the helicopter landing pad, not 30 yards away. the first night we were here, there was a helicopter landing right outside of our window - the ER is right underneath molly's floor - with what may have been a trauma. however, most traumas are announced over the PA system and this one was not. i am assuming it was a fancy way of transporting a patient.

i was just sitting here, looking out the window when a mom was carrying a 3 or 4 year old up the sidewalk. i am assuming she was three or four - old enough to wrap her arms and legs around mama's neck and waist. and mama was scurrying up the sidewalk, either because she was in a hurry, or the weight of the child was such that the "carry me?" would have only lasted a minute or two longer due to the strain her baby was putting on her back.

for a brief moment, it reminded me of how molly at 4 years old -- quick, nimble little malinky that she was -- would say "up, please?" and i would happily oblige, scooping her up in one fell swoop and her legs would intuitively encircle my waist and she would simultaneously hug me as tightly as her little arms could squeeze...and we would be as close as a mama and her baby could be after having been weaned...

hot tears sprang to my eyes (as they do again as i put pen to paper) at the sight of this mama and at the memory of my little molly. trying to regain my composure as the memory flooded me took a bit of time. i wonder why God brought it to me in such a rush of emotions. perhaps i just needed to be reminded of things....

[when things were so uncomplicated and simple.]

~~~

footnote:
i feel as though i should have ended this on uplifting note. it is simply me journaling my thoughts, even the bittersweet. i need to be in it, feel it, recall it and release it. thanks.

Day 2 Post-Op/Day 1 Pre-Op

the first part of our morning was spent in tears. it is quite difficult to explain how the infection could have been so much more serious without totally "freaking her out," but she's 15-going-on-16, only sees it as her world being disrupted.

(and it has been, greatly.)

some of my AA friends are taking a roadtrip to bring me a meeting today and to bring miss moll a laptop and movies from home...a wealth of friends i have now, that i never knew i needed (or even wanted). i spent so many years isolated, save for interracting with people from our restaurant and family, that i failed to cultivate many friendships. i had one good friend, actually, and many acquaintences. it is really quite incredible because when i first started going to AA, molly said "mommy, you'll make new friends!" and i remember saying "that is SO NOT why i am going!!" but it has been a lovely by-product. i can count on these men and women when the chips are down and while i have absolutely zero thought of picking up a drink, i know i need to "stay in the game" or i will stop caring about my sobriety altogether.

(thank God that today, i am sober.)

thank you, my dears, for the lovely comments. if i had more time, you know i would address you all individually. however, i become a bit anxious when i spend more than 1/2 hour away from molly, so i must bid you adieu until this evening. your prayers (and YOUR FRIENDSHIPS) are coveted.

God continues to provide moments of gentleness & laughter, even amidst the anxiety and pain ♥

day 1 post-op, afternoon

the woman in the room with me is a saint of God.  anything i have needed or questioned the whereabouts of, she has provided me with - even laundry detergent.

so i am sitting here, doing a small load of wash.  home away from home.

the doctor came in and discussed the surgery with molly for the first time.  she listened...her eyes got wide at some of what he was saying about the severity of the infection...and then the news of the picc line came.  that did not go over well at all.  six weeks to a teenager about to embark on summer is a long, long time.

she said "summer school was six weeks....this is as long as summer school!"

she cried, and cried, and cursed and cried some more.  there was no scolding for the language, no cajoling, only crying alongside her, handing her tissues and both of us blowing our noses simultaneously.  i told her she had every right to feel put out, that i wanted her to feel her feelings and we would discuss things logically once the emotions were more at bay.

about two hours later, they started calming down.  i told her about kelly's idea of having maybe a pizza party at our house on thursday (yay for my daughter-in-law!) and the fancy dinner a few weeks from now when she is up to it and can really enjoy it.  it seemed to brighten her, if only a tiny bit.

we then talked about the iv line being in and really not being anything more than a nuisance, about how the fusion didn't "take" on the lower part of her spine, and how dr. shah wanted to treat the infection aggressively so we wouldn't end up back here in 8 weeks for another surgery.  after that bit of info, she seemed to lighten up about the iv.

God is so good, my friends.  i am not positive why this is happening, am simply trying to stay in my day, not get in my head, and keep believing and trusting that this will all turn out in the end.

(did i mention there is a bunch of my AA buds taking a roadtrip to bring penni a meeting tomorrow?  how awesome is that??)

sacred life

my daughter's "roommate" is a young girl who we thought to be about 2 years old that has a tracheotomy and is currently on a ventilator, unable to move or speak or do anything but lay and have her mom and the medical staff care for her. i have since found out she is actually 9 years old and has been cared for in this matter since she was a year old.

the mother told me her daughter in non-communicative, save for eye movements. she cannot move her tiny limbs, cannot vocalize, cannot move even her head. her mother says she simply communicates through her eyes. she further stated she had been in the hospital since early May with pneumonia and two weeks ago, went into cardiac arrest. she told me her physicians, on a daily basis, speak to her about implementing a DNR ("Do Not Resusitate") order, discussing with her quality of life vs. quantity. and every discussion is ended by mom saying, "when the time comes, you won't be able to save her. as long as she keeps fighting, so will i. no DNR."

i have to say i admire her tenacity as a mother. even though her daughter lives in a home away from the mother because of the amount of care she requires, she hasn't worked in over a month and has lived at the hospital since early may and assured me she would be "no where else."

this conversation led me to think about schools of thought, and while i may not be able to monitor any comments due to not being available more than twice a day, i proffer this for discussion:

1. life is sacred from birth to natural death. this woman is honoring that commitment to keeping her daughter alive at any cost;

2. is this really birth to "natural death" if she is being kept alive through extraordinary measures? she is a fragile little thing, having had a hart attack and several bouts of pneumonia, has brittle bone disease and has suffered potentially a broken foot at the hands of a very gentle physical therapist yesterday. medical intervention is NECESSARY for her to stay alive.

3. quality of life - is an issue. for all intents and purposes, she's confined to a bed, has no control whatever over her body, is fed through a tube, currently has a machine breathing for her. does our opinion on the quality of this young girl's life matter? does the medical society have the right to place that determination on anyone? or is the parent the sole voice for this voiceless child?

this mom amazes me - she talks with her, loves on her, comforts her, teases and is playful with her. she surrounds her with fluffy blankets and sweet stuffed animals, and while she admitted her daughter can't run and skip and play and laugh, that is not to say she doesnt communicate her love for her mother through her eyes, and that, to her, is worthy of a DNR.

molly's surgery

molly's surgery went as well as could be expected. what wasn't expected, however, was the fact that the infection went into her spine and the lower part of her fusion didn't "take". she will be on iv antibiotics for six weeks and then maybe additionally after that by mouth. he said after 6 weeks, he would evaluate her to see if she needed any "hardware exchanged." my stomach flips at the thought of it.

so her fusion didn't take, she has a raging infection, we will be here until at least wednesday, please say a prayer we are home in time for her sweet 16 birthday dinner, which is slated for thursday (on her 16th birthday). i haven't told her anything beyond the fact that she will need another surgery to remove the "sponge" in place in her back to help the infection drain. the antibiotics via a PICC line (iv) x 6 weeks at the start of summer??? omg, please pray for her.

please pray that this infection is going to be cleared up and her hardware she presently has can stay in, that no exchange will be necessary.

i am grateful to have so many praying friends. i had about 5 different melt-downs yesterday (out of earshot of molly) and today, after i finish my cup of flavored water they call coffee and take a blistering hot shower, i think it will be a better day. she had a good night - out of bed three times, admonished not to look at her back, has a little flippant attitude (hello, morphine?) and is resting comfortably.

please, if i may be so bold to request this - please continue to pray for my girl. she has a hard row to hoe ahead of her, and will be filled with moments of self-doubt and depression, but God will lift her up. as with Moses in Exodus, i need my friends to help support my hands in prayer.

unexpected

these are thoughts i have journaled over the past few days. computer access is limited, but i try to check in twice daily.

+~+~+

i find myself in duPont hospital for children awaiting the surgeon's call to bring Molly to the operating room.  Some 7 1/2 months ago, she had her spinal surgery and part of her incision continued to "weep" until the skin was healed over. in fact, we made an additional "early" trip to delaware to have the doctor take a look and we were assured all was well. 

apparently not.

seemingly, over the past fee months, something's been brewing beneath the surface; tests have revealed a fluid filled picket that needs a gigantic needle and a steading hand to drain.  however, instead of aspirating (as per the norm), because of her spinal fusion and the pocket's proximity to her spine/hardware, it is not to be trifled with.  so today, after he surgeon is finished with a case, she will be wheeled back to the operating room for something as simple as a "clean up" or as complicated as i don't know what - eventually *exchanging* rods and screws?  i shudder to think.

throughout all of this, i must say i have prayed more than i ever have before, tearfully beseeching the Creator of the Universe to place His blessing upon the hands of the surgeon and Molly's caregivers...not asking "why," but asking for His presence throughout this whole ordeal...waivering right over from being righteous to being a little bit pissed, and asking "why now?  why Molly?  why at this time??"  then i retract, apologize, and realize He is God - omnipotent and omniscient - and is all Good; all things work together for good, i believe that.

i am hoping trusting this to be so.

Do What Is Given

When you start some new work,
you give in completely to it.

You're excited,
because the Creator keeps you
from seeing what's missing.


Your heatedness hides that,
so you do the work, and then look back
and see the nature of it.


If you'd seen that at first,
you wouldn't have done anything!


Don't worry about repenting.
Do the work that's given,
and learn from it.

If you become addicted to looking back,
half your life will be spent in distraction,
and the other half in regret.

You can live better than that!
Find happier friends.

Say: Show me the faults
of my destructive actions, but don't show me
what's wrong with my good work.
That way I won't get disgusted and quit!

Solomon had a habit of visiting the mosque at dawn,
because then he could see
with an early morning eye
the new spirit-plants that were growing.


Encourage that freshness
in yourself, and not what clouds you
with dullness and futility.


Rumi
(via inward/outward)

teenagers

i don't know where to go with this because it isn't an AA-related type of matter.  it is a matter of my heart and my daughter and i know she doesn't read my blog, nor care to know what i think on most days, but things being what they are at home right now, i have nowhere to go with this.

let me start by saying i recognize she has been through a very difficult time.  i actually tried to take her to see my therapist shortly after surgery because she seemed so depressed about things, and her life, but it did not work out that she wanted to see her (my therapist) for a second visit.

i think i need to find someone else.

she is angry.  really, really angry.  about a lot of things that are important and some that are not.  she flipped out last night because of a lack of communication, which lack i retaliated with my own version of flipping out (i am truly sorry today, however) and her anger and venom is being directed at max.  not undeservedly so, but he needs to apologize for something he failed to do last night and has not thus far.  he wants to qualify or rationalize what happened and all he need do is simply say "molly, i am sorry i hurt you."

i was told earlier "i don't hate you as much as i hate max."  wow.  that's a relief.

she just got her hair cut.  of course, i think it is gorgeous and she thinks she "is so ugly -- it's soooo shorrrrt!!" and she didn't want to leave the house.  this is usually after every time she gets her hair cut.  she had friends waiting for her at home to go get something to eat and she had to straighten her hair before they left bc she looked "so ugly," and when she was leaving, my husband suggested she put on a hoodie or some jacket because it is cold outside, and it was met with "i don't have a coat.  or a hoodie, or a zippie...i have nothing"  and slammed the door on her way out.

[i know i have people who are reading this who are thinking i should be disciplining her or taking myself back to the therapist, so if you are going to judge me or this situation, you need not comment.  use the "if you haven't got anything nice to say" adage as your guide.]

however, if you've had disruptive teenagers and have, yourself, felt like giving up and crying all day (like i have/have been), then please give me a little advice in the comments box.

[another parenthetical:  we won't discuss the parties she's gone to this week that had alcohol and i have felt at a loss over what to do...or the fact she has been sick with strep and i let her leave the house, just moments ago, with no sweatshirt to take with her.]

i cannot recall feeling more at a loss over a situation than i do right now.  i don't know what to do for her or for myself or my family.  it is stressful, tense, and all i can do is sit here and cry and hope the words i am tapping out are making sense. i realize i am powerless over certain situations but also recognize that i should be in control over certain others.  still, at a loss.]

she just texted an apology for being so "salty." i told her i didn't know what to do for her; she said "neither do i."

detach

so i have this friend...who i had gotten into an email argument with last week and i apologized and wanted it to be over and now, basically want to be left alone.  i have been receiving daily emails that lay out how he doesn't want me to be upset or miffed or angry or whatever with him......i have been ignoring them for the most part, but yesterday, had that pang of compassion to respond to him.

i was honest and told him that he hurt me, that my feelings were hurt.  i went into a couple of examples of what he said and told him i didn't want to engage in another *email* thing but wanted to respond to him, let him know where i was and that i didn't want to open myself to any more pain; i am done being wounded.

(it was a pretty brutal battle, even for me.)

so what do i get in response?

"no feelings were meant to be hurt, that's on you."  oh. okay.  my inner pissed off irish temper wants to flare itself with a wicked response, but i don't want to go there.  when is it time to say "when" when it comes to getting in the "last word?"  i also realize if there is something bothering me about someone else, the something that is bothering me is within me.  that is such a hard concept to grapple with, when you want to be "right" or you want to be "justified."

(i won't think about the last line he threw me about friends "looking at the 'deep' you and wanting to help."  was that referring to when he called me selfish?  or childish?  or was he being sarcastic?  i am wondering...and is *his* kind of help the kind i need or want?)

i don't want to be anything.  i want to stop wondering.  i desire emotional sobriety and want nothing more than to close this chapter in my life.  i have a new sponsee who is going to need my attention way more than i need to justify my feelings in continuing this crap.  i know if i were to reply to this latest "missive," i would be right back in it.  i think i finally have enough regard for myself to do just that.

i am, just now, asking myself "is this life-giving or life-affirming behavior?"  if i have answered no, then i don't engage.

it is not.  disengage, girl. 

disengage.

exhaustion - emily maxell

~~~

I have really been under the weather. Nothing terribly serious or life-threatening, thank God, but nonetheless, not myself in the least.

I have Epstein Barr Virus or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Yuppie Flu (take your pick, eh?) What it does is it zaps my energy levels where I only have the ability to do what is absolutely necessary (i.e., go to work) and leave the rest (i.e., housework). The laundry is never done anyway.

Where am I spiritually? I am on pretty good footing. I am not struggling when it comes to making the right choices for myself, I am relying on God more and more and have been able to say no to things that would be less than helpful to me and my family. I also have been listening to some really amazing podcasts from some preachers whose messages I respect and that has been very affirming.

So just a quick check-in. I miss my blog buds and am hopeful all is well with your souls. It is well with mine :)

"The escape hatches people create in attempts to avoid or numb pain can actually be worse than the experience of pain they sought to avoid."

Sue Monk Kidd

parched.

bryce brown

i have been reading (and exchanging emails) with friends who have really been going through the desert this Lenten season, unlike any time prior in their lives.  i wonder if God considers these folks as saints of His as He oftentimes tests the ones He loves most to see how they will fare in their time of trial.

and when they come through as the valiant ones they truly are, does He step it up a notch for the next round?  i thought that was what He did with me for many, many years.  then i started going to a 12-step recovery group and learned how to handle those situations which used to baffle me.  i don't perform perfectly, but am also reminded that it's "progress, not perfection."  what i have learned these past 15 months has been exceedingly beneficial to me in my everyday life.  [how incredible.]

i have two "treasures" i am working the steps with.  one just completed her steps 5-6-7 on saturday, one is balking on completing same, but is starting to come around since she is recognizing the benefits of being able to look things squarely and meet them head-on.  it is an honor to work the steps with these women, and our relationships are unlike any i have had before.  it is an awesome thing to behold.

i am also learning more each day about how i stand up to my personal tests...how i may be able to dole out such wonderful suggestions to my sponsees, but am unable to apply the same logic to my own personal situations.  typical, eh?  do as i say, not as i do.  i am recognizing how i am able to maintain the appearance of sobriety in all areas of my life, but am not actually living soberly in certain ones.  i believe in my religion, it would be called "cafeteria Catholicism - take what you like from the Gospels, ignore the rest" ala cafeteria line style.

however, it is becoming overwhelming evident to me that i don't wish to remain emotionally inebriated any longer, that my relapsing into emotional intoxication is not conducive to staying sober in real life...that looking for a "hit" off of some (one?  thing?) else is just the same for me as emptying a bottle of merlot - alone - and seeking further intoxication in a chat room.

there has to be a time in my life that in all areas, i know when to say *when*.  i am prayful that time is truly now.

as i continue my trudge through the desert, i pray for others around me and pray for myself that i may be able to do God's will and perhaps help someone along the way...and that when i become parched, i seek the One who refreshes, and not someone or some situation that will further drain me.

i can't - God can - i'll let Him. 

ash wednesday - entering into the desert

if you've been a friend of m2 for a bit, you know i am one of "those Catholics" who love the season of Lent.  there is no Easter without Lent, so that could be why.  however, i think it is a deep, meaningful, reflective time and a good one to enter into when one wishes to excoriate even *more* bad things from their world in order to make this a better place to be.  [let my time of excoriation begin.]

do you "give up" things during Lent?  what are your sacrifices?  each year, i give a great deal of thought for what i want to do these 40 days.  this year, along with the unnamed 'excoriation' -- i am deciding this as i type it out -- i wish to encounter Christ.  i want to decidedly see Christ in everyone i come in contact with.

and if i cannot see Him in them, it is my prayer they see Him in me.

so my behavior must be aligned thusly.  my thoughts, my words, my deeds,  aligned.  [may have a bit of trouble along the *thoughts* line, but with God's help, i will deal]

who knows?  if i can do this for 40 days with concentrated effort, who is to say this mad behavior won't continue an additional length of time thereafter?  and hopefully, it won't take as much concentration as anything done repeatedly for three weeks usually becomes a habit.

so i am tackling head-on a lurking addiction (one that cannot be mentioned in polite company) and aspiring to a new outlook upon life.

[pray for me and i'll pray for you - enter into the desert.]

a little help from my friends

I haven’t been feeling well for a while and checked in with my new endocrinologist (as fate would have it) last week. He ordered me a boatload of tests – labwork worthy of juice and a donut upon finishing, an ultrasound of my thyroid is slated for next Monday night, and I have a follow-up appointment with him in two weeks. He said “you feel crappy and there is good reason for it, we will get to the bottom of it.”

I never simply feel “well.” I haven’t felt well for a couple of years, and I am also guessing that could be part of my general malaise issues, seemingly every weekend. It is almost as if I give my body permission to break down on Saturday, so long as she’s “up and running” on Monday morning.

I had my lab work done Monday so I missed my a.m. meeting. I went on Tuesday, but wasn’t feeling great and when I sat down in my chair after grabbing a cup of tea, I started having back spasms between my shoulder blades – spasms so fierce, they took my breath away and refused to give it back. I sat forward in my chair – that didn’t help. I twisted side to side, to no avail. I leaned back and one of my buds, H, said “you know, you don’t have to go to work every day…” I took that as my cue to leave so I grabbed my knitting bag (barely) and started for the door. My mind (and heart) was racing. I think I was starting to panic.

Cue B, one of the guys in my home group. “Pen, you don’t look good, what’s wrong?” I said “nothing, I’m fine, I’m just going to the ER and will call my husband from the car and he’ll meet me there.” He insisted on walking me out, carrying my bag (which I fought, of course) and wanted to drive me to the emergency room. I am a stubborn girl and said, “No, thank you, I’m fine, I just can’t breathe.” (I thought I always had issues asking for help, never thought I would have issues simply “accepting” help!)

I got myself to the ER and sat down after giving them my name and my plight. Out of my peripheral vision, I had a flash of “B” coming up the sidewalk. He walked in and sat down next to me, and we just started talking as if I were expecting him. He kept the conversation going until the triage nurse called my name. I rose, squeezed his hand and whispered “thank you” and left to go into the little side room. Unbeknownst to me, he waited for my husband to arrive before he left, just to make sure someone was there for me.

[It turns out I have a little pneumonia in my right lung, but the pain in my back was definitely stemming from a pulled muscle. I left with an anti-inflammatory (non-narcotic, non-mind or mood-altering, sadly) and was told to go home and rest.]

I was thinking about the events of the morning. How B was the only one I “heard” share (because of my pain) and recalled that he was sad because the previous day, he had attended the funeral of a close friend and had the thought of a drink because everyone else was drinking at the tavern after the services the night before…how he was disappointed he couldn’t join in with everyone else and it haunted him thru the night and to the next day.

I know I came into the rooms of AA because I had stopped drinking and was having a difficult time staying stopped. I didn’t come because I wanted to make friends, I came because I wanted to stop drinking. It is beyond my wildest dreams the friendships I have formed as a result of my admission of being an alcoholic. It is incredible to me the wonderful folks I have met because I am in a fellowship of men and women who don’t want to drink, just like me, one day at a time. That there are people who are willing to enter into my world, neurotic and chaotic and painful, yet joyful and joy-filled at times too. People actually care about me as much as I do about them.

I also couldn’t help but think about how grateful I was to know someone like B, who was struggling only the night before but he left his issues behind to make sure I had help getting to my car, coming to the ER, and staying until my husband came. Someone who performed such a selfless act, without anything more than a “thank you.” For someone wondering why he stayed sober the night before, I don’t think it is a stretch to think God kept him sober so he could help another alcoholic who needed him.

(Even if it that alcoholic was me.)

h a p p y v a l e n t i n e ' s d a y

v a l e n t i n e
Originally uploaded by nardell

Love Story

Rumi

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.

about the bible...

Do I believe the Bible? I’m trying to know the Bible. And by knowing, I mean the way that Adam knew Eve, and the way that the Creator knows us. I mean the kind of knowing that is like falling in love. I’m trying to love/know the Bible. And I will always struggle with how I can love/know the scriptures when some parts are so hard and mean and awful that you feel bad for even reading them. And then some parts are so beautiful that you can’t stop crying when they whisper little hints of truth and mystery to you.

via reallivepreacher
linky love in the title :)

my son max has a blog!!

oh, i am beyond proud :) please go check him out, the link is to something he just wrote while awaiting his father's finishing up din-din.

so.
proud.

:)

i am his first follower!! go, give him props, tell him why he will love blogging and that he should continue even if he gets trolls or people trying to keep the man down.

(did i mention how proud i was of him?)

***edited to add: not "family friendly." he is a tad fresh, but it's his space, so i must let him express himself the way he wishes. i did remind him, however, that a good writer can get their point across with less vulgarity, but i am his mama and can do that :)

5 minutes in Heaven :)

i just hijacked this from my facebook account...i mentioned so many bloggers, i felt it reasonable to post here as well :


Rules, once you have been tagged, you are supposed to write a list of the 10 people you would like to spend 5 minutes with. The list may include past historical figures or famous celebrities. At the end, choose 10 people to be tagged. You must tag the person who tagged you.

**Disclaimer partially borrowed from Tim** Sigh…okay, I am really terrible about knowing which people from my friend’s list would like to play along with these types of things and which ones find these truly annoying. If I tag you and you feel like telling me to jump off a cliff, please let this serve as my apology. If I did not tag you and you have not already done this one, please, please consider yourself tagged. Maybe you can make up for the ones that I tagged, but they only rolled their eyes. (Yes, I saw those eyes rolling.) (so did i!!) **
1. Jesus. I know it may be a bit predictable, but I would love to just sit with Him and bask in His glory after my profuse apologies for being such a schmag and doing things my way for so long. (Since He is “outside of time,” I am hoping 5 minutes would end up being years.)

2. Dorothy Day, who is my hero. She had such compassion for people that it transcends my understanding. I have no idea what we would discuss, but once I was done gushing over her wonderfulness, I would probably ask how she kept so strong during such trying times.

3. Mother Teresa. Pretty much the same reasons as Dorothy Day. I would also ask her why she went to confession weekly. Like, why??

4. My best friend Bruce who committed suicide 4 years ago this month. I’d like to “have a few words with him,” but then I’d back down and tell him how much I miss him and how much of an impact his life would have had on people had he chosen to live through whatever his struggles were.

5. My father, Herb. He and I reconciled after being estranged for 20+ years a mere 7 months prior to his passing. He died a sober member of AA a few years before I became a member. I have so many questions for him on other issues relating to my genetic make-up that don’t seemingly stem from my madre…

6. Jeff Buckley, one of my favorite singer/songwriters of all time. He died in a car accident and I would love to tell him how his music has impacted my world.

7. St. Augustine. He and I have more in common than I can admit in polite company ::blushing:: I would love to chat with him about his before/after issues and how he truly overcame them.

8. Mary Magdalene (whose confirmation name I took when I converted). Same reasons as St. Augustine. Ahem.

9. The person who created meatloaf and pie and coffee. Please don’t make me explain why as it would create a Facebook stir.

10. (May I clump a whole bunch of people into a group?) The women and men I have met through blogging: Heidi, Erin, Jeff, Maggie, Steve F., Chris, Annie O., Gayla, Donalyn, Carolyn, Michele, Julie D., Owen, Tim, RWK, Jules, Kat, Amy, Fr. Mark, Pastor Matt, Laura -- the list continues on and on…Blogging has had such an impact on my life these past 4 years that it is really a difficult task to describe how much these people (some of whom I have had the distinct pleasure of meeting in person) have meant to me during some very trying periods of my life. They reached out through cyberspace and helped to comfort me in my world and allowed me to enter into theirs. They have added an incredible life experience which is again, impossible to describe to those who don’t blog. But it is real and I would love to have an hour, at least, not simply five minutes.

if you would care to, my fellow blogger buds, please feel free to cut and paste the directions, above, and let me know in the comments box that you did so.  i would love to see who you chose :)

standing on the shoulders of giants

"Standing on the Shoulders of Giants"  Chuck Gumpert
Acrylic & Mixed Media —48" x 60"

when i have nothing notable to say, or anything i would consider likened to a burning desire to share, i post items from folks i would consider giants in my spiritual world.

i also hear amazing things from people i am getting to know from my meetings.  these are people who "practice the principles (of AA) in all their affairs," all the while recognizing that "[they] are not saints." i have my big book at meetings with me and oftentimes scribble in the margin if someone is saying something worth noting.

one of the quieter members of our homegroup is a guy i refer to as "EF Hutton," based on their old tagline "When EF Hutton talks...people listen."  a while back he said:

Contentment with godliness is great gain.

that must've hit my Godspot because i wrote it in my margin in the chapter "How it Works," p. 63 to be precise.

i was working with one of my treasures last night and we did the Third Step together and began working on her Fourth Step and we shared about his quote.  it hit me again:  if i was content with simply pleasing God and nobody else, i'd be in a really good space. 

we decided we should try to make it an attainable goal :)

another gent i know from the meetings is the most disciplined person i have ever encountered.  he has been sober 29 years and is another EF Hutton in my life.  he talks the talk and walks the walk and is involved in another fellowship that he employs the same discipline.  i find it incredibly admirable.  in a conversation we had the other night, he shared how he was carving away from his schedule (he is an attorney) his distractions at work:  i.e., internet, emails, stopping at the stores he enjoys on his way back from court...and that his productivity has increased 100-fold.  he said he calls a sponsor and commits his food and his day plan every morning and offered to be my "day plan" sponsor.

that would mean no internet during the day, save for work-related items.  no text-messaging the kids to see if they are okay.  no text-messaging or telephone calls from people who aren't related to my boss.  no personal calls whatever, save for an emergency.

(what, are you kidding me???)

i slumped down in the chair, taken aback by the suggestion...but it's been needling me ever since.  cut down on the distractions/increase productivity, be more disciplined. 

(are there quotes for discipline and godliness?  do the two go hand in hand?)

question of the day:  what have the EF Huttons in your life suggested to you that you were at first hesitant to employ, but now can see the benefits of doing so?  would you care to share your thoughts in the comments box?  you never know who you could be helping because someone might consider you their EFH...you simply never know :)

[convince me it is the right thing to do, even though i already know it is...]

Being a Thief

Basil the Great

When someone steals another's clothes, we call them a thief. Should we not give the same name to one who could clothe the naked and does not? The bread in your cupboard belongs to the hungry; the coat unused in your closet belongs to the one who needs it; the shoes rotting in your closet belong to the one who has no shoes; the money which you hoard up belongs to the poor.


Source: Unknown
via inward/outward

learning how to detach (with love)

unfinished & untitled - 12" x 12" x 1" - acrylic on wood panel

Carla Kurt

~+~+~

i am such a slow learner. i wish i could learn this program in stride, be able to take it in as though it is aromatherapy...in through the nose, out through the mouth, my soul awash in goodness because i have learned and retained and am one with sobriety.

not so much. i get it in globs and chunks and it can be overwhelming, trying to do the "next right thing" ... all the time, the next right thing. i screw up, i pick myself up, i dust myself off and look around to see if anyone has noticed i tripped, yet again.

i keep going to my meetings because i am told i need to "keep coming back." i have learned so much these past almost 14 months just want to share with people i am close to, if they are having problems with alcohol or drugs, which is part of what keeps me sober - passing on what i have learned thus far. i have someone in my life who i am very close to that voluntarily (surprisingly) went into rehab, only to be released 12 days later because he was "fine." i called someone who knows him as well as i do and it went from "well, he was going to see a therapist, but that hasn't happened and no, he's not going to meetings, that i know of..." the person he is married to says "you know pen, it's one day at a time." perfect. reciting AA rhetoric is all good, but simply talking the talk is not walking the walk.

at first, i was pissy about detaching. i don't know how to that, i am co-dependent for goodness' sake!! i tend to want to fix everything and everybody (because hell, they'd be so much better, it's for their own good!!), which is an apparent defect of my character because i have no control and am completely powerless over what anybody says or does, i am only responsible for my reaction to what is going on.

so what do i do? recognize i have no control and embrace it. i have none. i can only pray for him and hope that he will do the next right thing, reach out for me if he needs to but until then, just sit. be still.

doing nothing for somebody i love is really (i hope) God's will for my life. that way, the God of his understanding can be allowed to move in and do things for him that he can't do for himself.

[which, i think, is detaching with love]

reality check.

i have lectored the entire month of january, which brings me great joy.  i love reading the Word and it is something i carry with me the entire week.

when i go up to receive Communion, i pass by the bulletin board of prayer requests.  i am uncertain if your parish or church has one, but if it does, i would suggest you go by and read what others have on their hearts...it is a reality check.  sadly, i usually only remember to do so on saturdays when i am there, but as i passed by, i read one this weekend that simply said "God, please help me with my addiction" - nothing else.

(nothing else needed to be said)

little arrow prayers are all that are needed (for the writer and the reader), and for the addict who is suffering, above, perhaps a good network that can be found in a 12-step program.  we don't have to suffer alone (thank God).

How We Fool Ourselves

It might be a little cynical, but you could almost figure out what Jesus said by looking at our history and naming the opposite of what we did! We keep worshiping the messenger, keeping Jesus up on statues and images, so we can avoid what Jesus said. It's the best smokescreen in the world. We just keep saying, "We love Jesus." The more we talk about Jesus, the less we'll do what he said. That's the way the ego fools itself. And in this case, it's the way culture, nations and even the churches have fooled themselves.

Richard Rohr

Source: Jesus' Plan for a New World

via inward/outward

disheartened

i watched in awe the masses greet our new President yesterday and seriously wondered to myself if palm branches were being splayed out for him to walk upon...i mean that very tongue-in-cheek, but am also of the opinion when you elevate somebody onto such a lofty pedestal, won't it be the more painful if he tumbles?

don't get me wrong, i voted for the man (yes, i did). i have been following him for a number of years, and when he was a (much younger) senator, i saw a speech he had made and thought "this is someone to watch." and so i did. and so i voted.

[i apologize to my Republican friends, but having Sarah Palin on the ticket didn't instill the confidence in me i had hoped McCain's running mate would...i was holding out, hope against hope, that he would have chosen someone i could have stood behind in case something unfortunate occurred and the Vice President had to step up to the plate. sadly, she was the deal-breaker for me.]

so much happened during the Bush era that was reproachable. so much so that the vote in november was cast for what millions desire: someone to believe in; someone to bring about change. i am hoping that there will be more honesty and accountabililty and while i am seriously pro-life, i had a difficult time when i heard there really were "no weapons of mass destruction"...or that people were being tormented and tortured and that our upper-level officials knew about it and did nothing. does that level the playing field when pitted against the atrocities of abortion? some (myself included) would say no, and i sincerely recognize the need to speak for the unborn; however, i also recognize the need to speak for the living.

my last word while i stand on the soapbox: there was apparently millions of dollars spent on this inauguration. that twists my stomach, quite frankly, in view of the economy and the unemployment. what would have impressed me, far more than seeing Bono sing or hearing Stevie Wonder perform, is if Obama had taken a more conservative stance, as per two of his predecessors:

"President Roosevelt held his 1945 inaugural at the White House, making a short speech and serving guests cold chicken salad and plain pound cake," the two lawmakers wrote in a letter. "During World War I, President Wilson did not have any parties at his 1917 inaugural, saying that such festivities would be undignified."

a simple fare and getting down to business in the following day or two, once he and his family were acclimated to their new surroundings, would have made a tremendous mark on me, thereby solidifying my vote in a sound man.

i guess i'll have to wait an additional week to see how things get done.

[you can read the article in its entirety here.]

In winter the stripped landscape of Nelson county looks terribly poor. The houses of our neighbors between here and Bardstown are pretty miserable. We [Trappists] are the ones who are supposed to be poor. Well, I am thinking of the people in a shanty next to the Brandeis plant, on Brook Street, Louisville. We had to wait there while Reverend Father was getting some tractor parts. The woman who lives in this place was standing out in front of it, shivering in some kind of rag, while a suspicious looking, anonymous truck unloaded some bootleg coal in her yard. I wondered if she had been warm yet this winter.

...The world is terrible, people are falling to pieces and starving to death and freezing and going to hell with despair, and here I sit with a silver spoon in my mouth and write books and everybody sends me fan mail telling me how wonderful I am for giving up so much.

And what, I'd like to ask them, have I given up anyway except headaches and responsibilities?



Thomas Merton. Entering the Silence, Journals Volume 1.
Jonathan Montaldo, editor (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1997): 264 -
via the Merton Institute for Contemplative Living